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Best of Ask Laura - Posted Monday, 7th August 2006 by Liam

A collection of Laura's favourite questions and answers from her Agony Aunt column on CreaturesCaves.com, Ask Laura!

Written by Laura.

Best Of Ask Laura:

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Miss D. Goddard - 5/10/2005

Dear Laura,

I represent a company interested in taking alien technology left over by alien invasions and crash landings that were covered up by the Government. We have made many, many advancements from it, Broadband for example. We recently found some items and one of our personnel identified it as Shee technology. We did an advanced search on it through our new Internet systems. This website came up and we were wondering if you know anything about this Shee technology, where it came from and what it can achieve.

* Miss D. Goddard

Dear Miss D. Goddard,

Please take your business elsewhere! I am only a humble agony aunt in search of enlightenment through helping people. What's more, I have been sworn to protect the divine secrets of the Shee, and will not reveal them to some company only interested in their own gain.

* Laura

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Quack - 3/19/2006

Dear Laura,

WHY DONT YOU EVER ANSWERE ME?!? MY QUESTIONS ARE COOL, ONLIKE YOU DOODO HEAD, I WANT MY QUESTIONS ANSWERED RIGHT NOW!! IF NOT ILL TAKE AN ATOMIC BALONEY AND USE IT TO DESTROY ALL NORNS GRENDALS ETTINS AND CHEESEBURGERS! YOUVE BEEN WARNED! (Game: CA/CP)

* quack

Dear quack,

Self explanatory, my dear quack. I heed your warning and look forward to your 'atomic baloney' with great anticipation.

* Laura

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Davll – 1/23/2006

Dear Laura,

Help! My Ettins are trying to tax me for "trade routes between the Creator machine and the terrariums" and now they're paying Grendels to forceably collect the "tax".

- Davll

Dear Davll,

I think your only option is to go on a somewhat sneaky tax dodge... Invest in a caravan COB and emigrate to the Green Belts of space. Goodbye Mr. Taxgrendel.

- Laura

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Norn Lover – 1/21/2006

Dear Laura,

How can I create interesting Norn breads?

- Norn Lover

Dear Norn Lover,

I assume that you're talking about Norn breeds, for which you need to know your way around a graphics application and .att files and the like, but as for Norn bread... You shameless person! I'd imagine that it involved... Ingredients... Do you love your norns, or do you just loave them? I bet you secretly hanker for a Breaded Hatchling Norn, when you can't sleep and you fancy a late night snack! Or perhaps a nice jellied Norn cutlet? A Norn and pickle sandwich? You are a disgrace of a Norn keeper, and I am thoroughly disgusted by your cavalier breading of Norns. I have no choice but to report you to the Rights for Norns Society.

- Laura

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Confused Little Girl – 1/6/2006

Dear Laura,

My Norn that was sent to me in a box three days ago finally arrived, but it won't wake up! I poke it and push it around, I even slapped it! Once... But it just... Lies there... And now it stinks!

- Confused Little Girl

Dear Confused Little Girl,

I'm sorry to say this, but, how can I put this gently... *Takes a deep breath* 'E's passed on! This Norn is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-NORN!! ... I suggest that you write a strongly worded letter of complaint to your postal service and to the company that you got the Norn from.

- Laura

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Curious About Norns – 9/23/2005

Dear Laura,

Why were the Norns made? What happens when they die? Is there a Norn after-life for good Norn girls and boys?

- Curious about Norns

Dear Curious about Norns,

Maybe the Norns were created because Steve Grand was bored one day and wanted something to do? I don't know. After death, had the Norn in question obeyed the hand unquestionably, spoken only when spoken to, played kindly with all distant relations, and finally went swimming in the piranha pool when instructed, they get to sent to Silicon Heaven, a haven where one (according to some Greek Norn philosophers) can enjoy eating all the cheese and honey one likes. There is no sickness there, nor Grendels. On the other hand, if the Norn in question was bad, well... Let's just say death is a little less enjoyable. Some also say that there is nothing after death, but then, where would all the calculators go?

- Laura

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Bamboozled Hand – 9/22/2005

Dear Laura,

One of my Nornettes doesn't want to go to bed when I say "Bed!" I'm concerned for her health, and the next day, she's listless until she gets her cuppa. I know kids will be kids, but it's somewhat ridiculous! What can I do? (Besides administering a knockout serum).

- Bamboozled Hand

Dear Bamboozled Hand,

Well, obviously your Nornette has been on the 'net' in the wee hours of the morning. Perhaps an Internet addiction is the problem here. Get her out, put her in the Basketball team at Norn-school, and see if there are any changes. I, uh, can't speak from experience at all - of course, I'm always out, uh, playing, um, sport and stuff.

- Laura

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Cascading Martin – 7/25/2005

Dear Laura,

(C3) Why are apples so? I really could not figure this out, so I would really appreciate your help.

- Cascading Martin

Dear Cascading Martin,

Why are apples so... So what exactly? So red? Well, I have a story about that. Long ago, the Great Shee formed the first male Norn, Adam and sent him to live in Albia's garden to watch over it. Adam was allowed to eat all the fruit within it, including the ripe, succulent apples which laden every tree branch. The Great Shee then put him into a deep sleep, took a rib from his side and from that, formed the first female Norn, Eve, to be his companion. So anyway, one day Eve said that she was "intensely hungry for protein" and so decided to eat an apple. The poor bashful apple was so overwhelmed by Eve's radiant beauty, that it blushed a deep crimson and apples have been red ever since.

- Laura

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Feanaro – 7/29/2005 (ß "Official" Advertisement for the Ask Laura ™ Greener Than Green pen!)

Dear Laura,

I have heard that you have changed the colour of the "Ask Laura" answering pens. What colour are they now? If they are available, can I have one?

- Feanaro

Dear Feanaro,

Are you tired of regular ballpoint pens? Fed up with the uneven ink flow and their inability to write upside down or on nonporous surfaces? Then why don't you try our new Creatures Caves exclusive...

Ask Laura Greener Than Green Pens™!

A breakthrough in writing utensil technology! Its ultra lightweight body allows you to write in the finest calligraphy you can muster up without cramping your style! Efficient and practical, its revolutionary instant-drying ink allows for smudge proof documents.

Only three easy payments of $6.99 a month and you get an extra piece of cheese for free! What great value! If you are not satisfied, send it back for a full refund, no obligation! But keep the complimentary piece of cheese as our gift to you. Though, don't take our word for it, see what this cheerful Oxymoron had to say:

"As an official Ask Laura™ pen tester, I try all these pens out to make sure that they are of the finest quality before they get to Laura's hands, and I must say that this model is an exceptional one… I have never seen a greener pen!"

--angel51431.

So waste no more time, order yours today! You'll be super glad you did.

- Laura

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Hungry in Albia – 3/31/2005

Dear Laura,

Is it OK to eat your siblings as long as they've not hatched yet?

- Hungry in Albia

Dear Hungry in Albia,

That really depends on whether you serve them poached or boiled.

- Laura

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Eem the Ettin – 4/2/2005

Dear Laura,

People saying that we Ettins steal machinery is giving us Ettins a bad name. What can we do to stop this prejudice against Ettins?

- Eem the Ettin

Dear Eem the Ettin,

I know that you Ettins have nothing but good intentions, but some of the machinery that you so generously disconnect and horde for "safe-keeping" is actually vital to the efficient running of the ship... But I can understand what you're saying, the other inhabitants get the wrong end of the stick and accuse you of stealing, and it isn't nice. However, it seems apparent to me that they merely do not realise that you're only trying to do them a favour. This misunderstanding could be remedied by explaining to them what your intentions were and apologising for any inconvenience. That way, they'll understand why their machinery keeps disappearing. I would advise that you put it back from time to time though, especially if it's needed.

- Laura

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Jac… Erm… Random Norn – 10/29/2005 (ß More Ask Laura ™ products)

Dear Laura,

I have become interested in this "Ask Laura™ Atomiser Cannon", and I was wondering would it rip up some wild waves if shot at the water? And could you decrease the price just that little..? I wanna surf and find Norn cheese banks to threaten, see?

- Jac... Erm... Random Norn

Dear Jac... Erm... Random Norn,

Funny you should mention that, I have personally placed one of my Atomiser Cannons on a three day, eBay listing. New and un-pealed! So far no bids, but considering the work I've put into this... I think the ‘Buy It Now' price is more than reasonable. Some say it's just a banana, but I wouldn't believe everything you hear. As for your surfing ambitions, I would suggest that you make a seaworthy surfboard first; otherwise you may very well drown. I can't say that I approve of your ambition to raid the Norn cheese banks, though... But anyway, happy bidding, and good luck!

* Laura

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Shadow Ralts – 8/28/2005

Dear Laura,

I am a foot who wants to write with your pen, but I have no toes! I feel so useless having a hand write this letter for me. How can I grow my toes back?

- Shadow Ralts

Dear Shadow Ralts,

How did you get a hand to write it for you? You are merely a simple toeless foot, not a mouth... Regretfully, the Ask Laura™ range does not cater for your needs at present. However, we currently have a version of the pen in development that acts through mind control, though unfortunately testing has not gone too well. Several of our Treehuggers have ended up in hospital suffering from third-degree jabs, it's a very serious business... Coming soon to a screen near you! Perhaps. :\ By the way, I wouldn't suggest sitting in a vat of "Insta-Grow", you may turn a nice shade of green.

- Laura

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Trapped Ettin – 4/8/2005

Dear Laura,

I am from a very intelligent race of Ettins. One day when I was experimenting in the Shee's Warp I accidentally got trapped inside! Fortunately I had my portable T.A.S.L, which stands for "Time and Space Laptop", and was able to contact you here on Earth in the 21st century, I hope. Please, do you have any idea on how to escape the Warp?

- Trapped Ettin

Dear Trapped Ettin,

Being trapped in the Warp is not a very entertaining situation. In order to get out and (hopefully) reach a safe destination, you should reconfigure your T.A.S.L to open a rift in the Space-Time Continuum. To do this, boot up your T.A.S.L and load the file called "Notepad.exe". While the program is running and waiting for your input, reconfigure your clock using the chocolate chips-matrix stored within your cookie jar. When you've done that, enter "There's no place like home..." into Notepad 3 times and save the file. You should be home faster than you can say "I love Laura and will give her all my cookies!".

- Laura

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Raura's Daddy – 8/31/2004 (ß My dad being an idiot )

Dear Laura,

I have two Norns, one is really old now and is called Alan Rickman and one is a teenager called Raura. The problem I have got is that Raura keeps on following Alan and wants to have his babies. Seeing that Alan is about 125 years old, surely this is a bit weird and very sad. What can I do to stop this and how can I make Raura like Norns her own age and stop fancying old git Norns?

- Raura's Daddy

Dear Raura's Daddy,

Firstly, you must realise that "old git Norns" as you so eloquently put it, have higher sex drives than normal males. This makes them understandably more desirable to female Norns of a younger generation. Secondly, an average Norn's lifespan can in fact, vary from up to ten hours, not 125 years. Raura obviously has an acquired taste for the more mature male - a welcome change from some of the other Norns she must know. You know? The ones who act like their shoe size and not their age. In order to stop Raura liking Norns that are so much older than her, Alan will have to go through a long mating process with her, after which she will be too star struck to do anything. You will just have to sit back and watch it happen, begrudgingly. I'm sure she will quite happily repay your act of concern for her, with a swift kick up the backside for mentioning this most embarrassing and personal dilemma publicly, once she's read this response.

(To my loyal viewers: Yes, that was actually my father submitting that question. Everybody laugh at him! )

- Laura

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I thought maybe "K'aeloree" could have his own section:

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K'aeloree – 7/29/2005

Dear Laura,

Recently I was playing in the garden with my Norn, Ginny, and she pointed at the clock, and suddenly I heard twelve chimes. Two minutes earlier, I could have sworn it was only 9 o'clock in the morning. Does Gin have some sort of special power, or am I just imagining things?

- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,

Since I think someone's been reading Harry Potter™ way too much, () I have decided to humour you. Yes, clearly Ginny is in possession of a "Time-Turner™", (a device capable of time travel) and thus, has caused the both of you to travel three hours into the future. In order to safely return to the present, Ginny will need to turn the hourglass three times in an anti-clockwise fashion. I suggest that you confiscate such items henceforth; they obviously aren't safe in the paws of a small Norn.

- Laura

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K'aeloree – 4/1/2005

Dear Laura,

My Norn, Tiffy, is absolutely in awe of you. She wants your autograph. Do you sign autographs? It would make her really happy.

- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,

It would be my pleasure! I'm glad she enjoys the column. Here you go Tiffy, signed with my warm, good wishes:

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K'aeloree – 4/26/2005

Dear Laura,

My Norn is addicted to terrible music like Britney Spears and Eminem - I'm sick of it in the utmost. Have you ever heard 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' played 16 times in a row? Trust me, you don't want to. Please, is there anything I can do to help cure her of this dreadful addiction to pop music?

- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,

I disagree with you on this one. You should allow your Norn to listen to her music, even if it is trashy pop or rap, so long as she agrees to keep the noise down to a sensible volume. It's self expression, and just like their dreams, interrupting them can be devastating to a Norn's mental health.

- Laura

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The soap opera! :

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Yours, Forever Romeo – 10/27/2005

Dear Laura,

For so long I have worshipped you from afar... Your beauty, grace, intelligence and killer sense of humour. Would you make me the happiest Norn in the world by consenting to meet with me?

- Yours forever, Romeo

Dear Yours forever, Romeo,

Oh Romeo, Romeo... I am so very sorry, but I am afraid I'm somewhat already attached to AquaShee, Lord of all oceans blue. You see, when Liam cruelly jilted me and left me standing at the altar, my Lord came to my rescue and swore that from then on, I shall forever be his. And of course, I accepted. Being the fair young maiden that I am, always eager for a good whirlwind romance, I just couldn't tear myself away from his fiendishly handsome beard, or his crazy Jellyfish thing! Hence, he took me upon his noble steed, and we both rode off into the sunset. We've never looked back since. I did love Liam; my cup runneth over with love for him in fact, but now my cup has been emptied and a little residue is all that remains. So you see regretfully, it is with a heavy heart that I must turn down your most generous proposal. I am sorry that I cannot be the Norn of your dreams, but I shall also remind you, that there are many pebbles on the beach and other fish in the sea. Never lose hope Romeo, there is no reason why the right Norn shouldn't come along.

- Laura

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Liam – 10/28/2005

Dear Laura,

Is it but a residue that remains, dried and cracked from the harsh unforgiving stare of the sun? Or can our love be rekindled by the stars, swirling 'round the heavens in their glorious glory? Can our cup be refilled with effervescent love once again? For my heart aches in your absence, and every moment without you is like a dagger in the heart. Without your love I am wilting like a lily in the sun, and only the cool, refreshing might of your love can save me! Please, oh my Laura, come back to me and dwell in the warm climes of Elysia with me!

- Liam

Dear Liam,

Oh, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." When I was wilting like the lily to which you now refer, and needed your love to act as my saviour, you fled. I threw myself into the fires of contempt, the cruel flames hardening my body and mind to the rejection you caused, and amplifying the love and devotion my Lord, AquaShee, has shown me. The light of heaven itself was nullified by the impermeable darkness you left me in... Therefore, dearest Liam, the warm climes of Elysia chime with the harsh winds of winter, the sun having been overcast with lies and deception. Elysia has lost its beauty with your presence, and I shall remain with the divine! (Was that poetic enough for you? )

- Laura

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Liam – 10/29/2005

Dear Laura,

My love, our epic saga seems to go on into an eternity... For I was not in my right mind when I abandoned you at the altar, for the foul temptress, Kitten, had enflamed my passions with accursed potions which spoke of lust and betrayal! Do not judge me, I beg of you, but find it in your heart to let me at least stay by your side as honoured guardian and protector! Laura, it would fill the rest of my days to be by your side helping you in your epic endeavours. But, companion or no, go forth with the knowledge buried deep that I love you still, though the veils of treachery do keep us apart!

- Liam

Dear Liam,

The veils of Treachery? Liam, the only veil that keeps us apart is the one I wore during mine and AquaShee's wedding. I have no doubts as to the accursed potions used by 'Kitten', and I cannot help but pity you - afterall, all red-blooded male Norns become putty in the hands of a female offering the darkest desires of one's imagination. However, you were meant to love me, and it was your duty to suppress your animalistic desires of lust and betrayal in our best interest. I am sorry Liam, but what if another temptress doth cross our path during the course of our epic journey? I cannot afford for you to go AWOL whilst satisfying your lust. My epic endeavours are my own, and, because of such, I shall go forth without you.

- Laura

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A Jilted Juliet – 10/29/2005

Dear Laura,

My husband has been spending a lot of time on this site, reading your column, and hasn't been paying me as much attention as he used to do. He hasn't been picking me carrots, or taking me for long strolls along the Ettin Beach, and... Dare I say it..? The fire and passion has gone from our kiss-pops! He has even written in, declaring his undying love for you, when he has me at home. Juliet extremly sad. How can I win him back from your siren call?

- A jilted Juliet

Dear A jilted Juliet,

I'm sure he didn't mean it - male Norns sometimes let their emotions get the better of them. Let him feel the weight of your displeasure - give him 'the silent treatment' for a while, and refuse to cook him dinner. Let him fend for himself for a little while. He'll come crawling back, don't you worry! I'm certain that he feels extremely sorry and wishes he could take it all back.

- Laura

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